Developing Intellectual Honesty

A common lie that we sometimes tell ourselves is that we have been taken advantage of by others.  Let’s be honest.  No one wants to admit that their circumstances are a result of their own choices.  It can be painful to face the reality that we have missed opportunities or that our own choices may have led to our not being as successful as we otherwise might have been.

Telling ourselves the lie that others have taken advantage of us might take the form of blaming an employer for actions that they take against us when we don’t fulfill our job responsibilities.  It could take the form of blaming a creditor for repossessing our property when we didn’t pay our bills.  Or, we might blame a friend for being disappointed in us and subsequently distancing themselves from us, when it was us who failed to live up to a promise that we made to them.

It is true that people do sometimes take advantage of us.  When they do, we are absolutely justified in removing ourselves from circumstances where we may be harmed.  However, it is also true that just as often we take advantage of others.  When we do, our tendency is to lie to ourselves.  Such that by the time we are done, we forget that it was us who committed the sin.  Convincing ourselves that we are innocent, and the other party is actually the bad guy.

Unfortunately, it isn’t always easy to distinguish between those times when we are truly being wronged, and when we are the ones who are in the wrong.  Very often the difference is subtle.  Especially in more mundane day to day interactions that we engage in with others.  We may wonder why our spouse has raised their voice at us, not realizing that it was our own body language that set them off.  We may wonder why a friend has stopped responding to our messages, not remembering that it was us who first distanced ourselves from them by forgetting a promise we made to meet them at a restaurant.  Given how often we are unknowingly to blame for a situation we find ourselves in, it is best to always give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and to try to communicate with others.  We should be generous with our apologies, and liberal in our forgiveness of others.

How much worse is it though when the lies we tell ourselves are blatant!  When we know the circumstances behind why another person is behaving the way that they are.  When we know that we have done something wrong to them.  And yet we still persist in blaming them for how they have responded to us.

Remember that just as we have the right to remove ourselves from situations where we are genuinely being taken advantage of, so too do other people.  An intellectually honest person recognizes that another person is just as entitled to protect themselves from harm as we are.  An intellectually honest person understands that when we do harm to someone else, that they are going to respond in predictable ways.  Including firing us, taking legal action against us, or ending their friendships with us.

We have to be careful not to lie to ourselves about who is taking advantage of whom.  When we are to blame we must accept responsibility for our own actions.